I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
from now on my penis is your penis
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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