I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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