two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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