I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize