1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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