i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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