That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
