i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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