you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
