i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
