I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Non-Jews are for practice
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
