the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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