Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
