Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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