So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
