Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
