I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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