honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
