Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
