the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
