Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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