you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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