i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
You smell like stripper and shame
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
