i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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