I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
True strength comes from lack of pants
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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