I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
