Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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