this beer tastes like vomit already
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
