We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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