i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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