You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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