I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Boobs speak an international language.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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