i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
