I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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