Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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