Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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