I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
