This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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