So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
