He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
They have beer where we have blood.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
