Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
