halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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