I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
