I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
