How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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