So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
That accounts for only three of the penises
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
