is your mom at the bar?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
