Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
