He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
