My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
