fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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