the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
