If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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