Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
