I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Randomize
