so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
