I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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