AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
