So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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