I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
