I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize